I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
