Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
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Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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