She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
