I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
