The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
