my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
