Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
