Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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