I wanna bring you to show and tell
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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