Whatcha textin bout Willis?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
