There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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