Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
