There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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