i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
