im about as happy as oj after his trial
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
