: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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