Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
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Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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