Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You don't make any sense
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