I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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