Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
