Can i not drive my cunt home
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
