i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
