I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
