I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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