My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
