just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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