This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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