My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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