Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
no that's ok