My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
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You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.