btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.