Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
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I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.