i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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