i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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