my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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