I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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