if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
