Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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