Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
