So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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