Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
