ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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