hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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