She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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