I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize