Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
