I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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