Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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