I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
