I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
