The best revenge is premature balding
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
