My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
