Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
