Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
