guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Randomize
