I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
